On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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