that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
