Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
