Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
