somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
