Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
