Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
