Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
