We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
