Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
