peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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