i wish my penis had a tongue
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
