What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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