she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
