Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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