My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i think i just lost a toe
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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