Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
