She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He did a backflip because drugs
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
