I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
