I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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