i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
