I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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