Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
