So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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