Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
