Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
