When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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