life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
