she kept yelling 'call me bella'
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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