my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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