just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
