I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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