So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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