In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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