Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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