You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
