You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
