He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You did what with his pubic hair?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
