When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
