his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
