Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
