just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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