I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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