3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
