Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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