Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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