12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
