I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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