We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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