Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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