Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
