Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
